Appearance

So many of us garner self-confidence and social recognition from the effort we take to dress and look great. I hear stories on a regular basis related to this issue, and how friends will comment on that zit on their face or that top they wore that made them look heavier on an off day. “I want to be myself and be accepted just the same when I don’t look or feel my best” is a common complaint. Now you might consider the people who would comment or criticize you on any aspect of your appearance not to be a real friend. Friends do not intend to make you feel less than you are, even though I personally witness this kind of covert commenting happening all the time. It’s okay to want to dress down, or want indulge in a carb fest with tons of ice cream in front of everybody. And they ought to love you for living in and feeling the moment.

Expected Social Behavior

If you are having an awkward day or not in the mood to socialize, friends and family can get overbearing. And many a time, they will chastise you for cancelling on them at the last minute if you genuinely do not feel like going to a social engagement that was planned. The first reaction alludes to them believing that you are being deliberately selfish and uncompromising. Friends and family need to understand that as a human being, you are free to change your mind. “Unless someone is dying, I don’t get to change my mind or decline.” is what I hear all the time. Ironically, one of the most anxiety-inducing feelings is the dread of going to family gatherings especially on holidays. You are expected to attend without question, particularly in cases where your presence is required to represent your own family at these occasions. This is an all too familiar form of judgment and has left many of my clients feeling vulnerable.

Major Life Change 

If you experience a major change – such as weight gain or weight loss, or sudden shifts in your money situation, getting married or divorced, or a slight alteration in your opinion or viewpoint – it can affect how family and friends relate to you afterward. Family and friends are the first to take notice and bring up all the nuances of how your life-changing event will now alter the person you are, the new schedule you would now have to follow and drumroll… the new people who are sure to enter or exit your life. These reactions are natural. It is healthy to talk about life changes with your real friends. It is unfortunate however that many men and women feel undermined by their friends’ reactions to major shifts in circumstances. It is more common than you’d think, with reactions ranging from jealousy to despondency to downright indifference or nonchalance. The point is that friends have invested part of their life in you and when you undergo a major transformation, they may have lost some of that investment and subsequently choose to cope by unintentionally passing judgment.

Insist on Giving Advice

Close friends and family have deservedly earned a sense of entitlement on account of the relationship. So when it comes to providing their opinion, out it comes without a filter. Again this is the most natural instinct. Most friends will give you their two cents taking the liberty they’ve earned. Sometimes, the advice is unsolicited and forced upon you without you asking for it. Friends and family may believe they are entitled to tell you things that are in your best interest, but this isn’t always the case and they aren’t aware of it. “My best interest is mine alone” is what I hear clients tell me. When friends mean well by insisting on advice, clients have come to me feeling like pushovers in some instances. It gets complicated when they attempt to tell friends that they don’t necessarily need their advice at this time, which puts a strain on things for a while.

Account of Give and Take

Many friendships and relationships are built on the ideal of reciprocity. A good solid friendship is about maintaining a healthy balance between give and take. In fact, the value and quality of friendships are usually assessed by how much you’ve done for them and vice versa. Not many people realize that this equation is a form of subtle criticism, denoting the conditionality of friendship. When problems arise, the first weapon of defense is usually the “after all I did for you” card. It is a classic guilt-inducing mechanism riddled with the burden of defending yourself. What you do for your friends is definitely a way to build a friendship, but it is also used viciously when the time comes to settling a pressure point.