Category: Emotional Well-being

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Mental health is a global epidemic. What we have is simply not enough to address the crisis. But, what if we turn the traditional model on its head and look at mental angst as an opportunity? The model I use at Listen Truly takes inspiration from the work of Carl Jung, who saw mental health challenges as a calling from the soul to renew itself.

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With a broken health system in most parts of the world, mental health faces the same fate. Economic reasons notwithstanding, access to mental health care and rising costs erect further barriers for people to receive the mindset support they need. But what about the mainstream mental health model that’s been the bedrock of the psychiatry and psychotherapy industries? I believe the fundamental model of mental health is the most significant conversation that needs to occur for mental health success to be realized.

My perspective on an alternative mental health model is the paradigm I use in my professional listening services and largely based on the work of Swiss psychotherapist Carl Jung.

Here are the core tenets of my alternate mental health model based on Jungian psychology.

You are not one mind. You are part of a collective.

In traditional models, the mind is an indicator that you are a separate entity from the rest of the world. Nothing can be further from my experience. I have brought people back from the brink by helping them realize that they are not separate from a collective human experience. Human trauma is our collective history and it reveals itself through individualized mental and life events.

Whatever is showing up in individual circumstances is a mere reflection of what Carl Jung called the collective unconscious. This perspective relieves the pressure of identifying a so-called problem as unique or originating from a mind that is not working right. Whatever you go through is a human experience that someone has been through before and we’re all part of a collective intelligence that evolves from individual circumstances.

Mental health is a Collective Responsibility

The illusion of separation melts away when one looks at a paradigm of responsibility that includes us all. Traditional mental health models fail by isolating people who are facing trouble in life and in their minds.

The act of isolation leads to prominent stigmas that have prevented people from seeking help and support. Ever heard of the saying “it takes a village to raise a child?” Let’s not forget it takes us all to support full grown adults through their mental health journeys.

We have to revisit the narrative and language around mental health issues from individual problems to a humanity-based paradigm. Practically, what does this mean? Mental health awareness has come a long way, but we still send people off to get fixed and let them know that they are not valuable unless they fall in line.

More people need to be trained philosophically on existentialism, epistemology, and spiritual systems of the world, not just medically. We need to see human beings for more than their productivity value and keep pushing for answers on the question of “what does being human mean?”

There is purpose to neurosis. 

This is probably my most controversial stance. As a spiritualist who views the mind as part of a giant collective that evolves to higher states of consciousness, I believe that what we term neurosis has a function. When faced with a mental health challenge, it is essentially a call to adapt one’s self.

Carl Jung viewed mental health issues as an opportunity for the soul to unpack and put itself together for renewal and growth.

Traditional mental health models criticize this principle because it is believed that mental health issues are abnormal and a sign of defect that needs correction and elimination. The traditional model thus succumbs itself into what Jung would describe as a societal archetype of the perfectly functional person (when no such thing is possible nor is it desirable).

In my practice, clients are led to find meaning in every experience by exploring what cultural and social norms affect their feelings about the situation. Carl Jung called these socio-cultural norms archetypes and human beings regularly draw from them unconsciously.

Treatment is About Helping a Client Find Meaning in Experience.

This is the core idea of my practice in professional listening. Carl Jung believed that what most people need is a compassionate, empathic listener whose motivation is to contribute to the fabric of what he called Unus Mundus. A unifying force behind one world.

There is no separate you and me. We are representations of differing vantage points and each experience occurs to teach and build awareness. A therapist or listener engages with a client in a way that accepts every experience as valid truth, not a problem to be discarded.

Jung focused on unmasking what he called the persona, a public image of the self that is portrayed to conform to societal expectations thereby leaving behind the authentic self (think about how social media images and profiles are presented). He thought that mental angst can result from over-identifying with one or many personas at the cost of the path to realizing one’s full potential.

When clients come to the realization that they are not just a parent, spouse, employee or any other role they might play, they often will uncover a deeper purpose and not be affected by circumstances that occur day in and day out. In my practice, when it is warranted I ask them (with their permission) over a few weeks to contemplate who they are if a certain title were to be taken away. 

Coming to terms with this truth is a healing experience and empowers the client to separate from ego. Their issue is then viewed from who they are and how it is pushing them to become who they want to be, a concept Jung called Individuation. Thus, the act of becoming is a central tenet in helping clients address their mental health. 

In effect, the listener-client relationship here at Listen Truly is defined by one goal. To forge identity and to discover self-worth through the act of existing and the process of becoming.

The Role of a Jungian Therapist is to Share in the Client’s Truth.

As a Jungian psychologist, I believe that the only way forward with a client is to create a space to work out what it all means. They come up with their own answers from past experiences, desires for the future and a shift in perspective about their situation.

Carl Jung offered his psychology for the whole of life, not for pinpointing disorders or illnesses. This is another departure from the traditional model, which for decades has focused on targeting problems that may show up chronically even after treatment.

The treatment, for lack of a better word, meted out by a professional listener like myself is to work with the client to formulate an archetypical framework they can refer to throughout life and assign meaning to each experience.

Even though this approach might not apply to mood or thought disorders, Jung would insist that medicating people with psychotropics dims the ability of people to question and ponder their human experience.

Jung famously said “a mystic swims in the same waters the psychotic person drowns in.”

This article obviously touches the surface of Carl Jung’s work that has gained resurgence of late and has seeped into my professional listening practice.

Mainstream psychology has considered the work of Carl Jung delusionary, but the question I ask is how are we really doing? We are on the path to a mental illness epidemic more than ever and conventional models are failing in the midst of this crisis of our species.

The time is overdue for the need to bridge mysticism, esoteric studies, mythical stories that form our collective human experience to what we experience individually. My humble mission is to be of service towards this endeavor.

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. we are collective

Carl Jung coined the term collective unconscious to refer to every trauma, desire and experience throughout human history. We are thus never alone.

02. purpose in neurosis

When faced with a mental health crisis, Jung believed it is a call to the soul. An invitation to unpack and renew the self for the act of becoming who you really are.

03. finding meaning

Treating mental health challenges involves unmasking personas and assigning meaning to experiences by drawing parallels with Jung’s socio-cultural archetypes.

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.

The following article is copyrighted. To reproduce any or all parts of the content, write to hello@listentruly.com

Loneliness is now considered to be as dangerous as smoking or substance abuse. Millions suffer from it in silence. Our ancestors shielded their survival by grouping up into tribes, but we are more isolated today than ever before. How do we beat this global epidemic?

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It isn’t a medical illness, and yet, it affects as much as 1 out of every 3 people on earth at some point in their lives. There is no formal diagnosis for it, and yet, people die from it every single day. No test has been invented to discover it, and yet, humans have complained about it since the dawn of civilization. I’m talking about the raging global epidemic called loneliness. Some studies point to its devastating effects by comparing it to smoking and substance abuse. It predicts early death and increases the risk of suicidal ideation. And it just feels awful when you don’t like your own company all the time.

I’m here to shed light on this contemporary phenomenon after listening to dozens who’ve experienced it. But first, what is it exactly? And why does it cause so much anxiety? When needs for social connectedness are not met, the sense of self can take a beating. To be part of a group has been the basis for our evolutionary survival. Without a herd, early humans died from extreme cold, starvation and predatorial forces that they couldn’t fight alone. The benefits of staying together are the foundation of what we call community today.

Why do we find ourselves lonely?

Once people explicitly did not need a tribe to survive on their own, progress has since forced human beings to come to terms with the idea of not being needed. The ancestral brain is thus still coping with the aftereffects of humanity organizing itself into civilized society. It does this by pushing back with a primal reaction to loneliness.

Let’s look at the most common responses when I ask, “Why do you describe yourself as lonely?” I don’t fit in. Nobody sees the real me. I am exhausted after [insert traumatic event]. My job does not let me have a social life. At my age, I should be [insert financial or marital status]. 

I notice that these surface-level responses correspond to a common root – the unconscious wish to be invisible. Out of fear. This results in self-isolation that can translate into crippling loneliness. What is this fear, you ask? It always comes down to being rejected. By a social group, community, society, country, world, any other kind of collective you can name. And the root cause of this fear of rejection? How about being appraised, assessed, prodded, and judged only to be declared “you’re not good enough for us”. In the cave days, humans literally died from this out-casting.

Is it just the elderly?

No. Many moms reach out to me. New moms are expected to have a glow and embrace the experience of motherhood, which can be a special time especially when it’s been a lifelong goal. However, sometimes, they end up feeling lonely when dedicating each waking hour to their child and being socially isolated due to fatigue and an ingrained guilt that all mothers face at some point.

Then there are young people who have moved to a new city leaving their family and friends behind for a lucrative job opportunity. Career success at times can turn into loneliness very quickly when corporate demands chip away at a person’s time they set for their interests, relationships, social life and rest.

Senior citizens, especially when they’ve lost long-term partners, face abject loneliness all over the world. The hole left behind by loss of a long-term soul mate never seems to get filled and many in the elder community haven’t the energy to find a new purpose to live for.

We want so bad to belong and yet we don’t take bold steps to ensure this because the fear of rejection is greater than the joyful camaraderie. Because it can be taken away from us. So we stay put in isolation and numb ourselves against feeling anything. As dire as this epidemic sounds, there is hope if we can muster up the courage to acknowledge its hold on us. The first step is always the hardest. To admit that we are lonely. What then?

Slow Down and Make Meaningful Connections.

Many of us avoid making meaningful connections. We choose to climb to the top of corporations, get busy being a parent or spouse, or hop from one place to another to chase a lifestyle. What we believe “success” is appears to conflict with the idea of slowing down and connecting with others to build truly meaningful relationships that have our backs.

No wonder people feel lonely standing in a room full of unfamiliar others. After all, getting out of a secure zone can lead to judgment and rejection. Ask yourself, “who truly cares about what happens to me?” Slow down and build those connections. Make them mean more than an activity that fills up your schedule.

Find Purpose.

So how do you create that meaning? Most of us wake up and get into routine without a greater purpose. It does not have to entail saving the world. A purpose can be personal, for example, a monk’s purpose is to attain nirvana through the meditative practice. Or it may involve creating a service to improve quality of life for a community or bringing people together by entertaining them with your talent. Dig deep and find it. And if you have trouble, offer compassion. Volunteer towards a cause and feel the value of your contribution. You are always needed. Once you know that you are worthy just for existing, loneliness cannot define you.

Be Alone. This is not the same as being lonely.

We’re bored if there aren’t people to chat with. But with purpose, doing anything by yourself can be rewarding and satisfying. Curling up with a book to gain specialist knowledge you can apply, practicing mindfulness and being in the present, and getting creative through writing or painting extends your sense of self. Treat your body well, eat high-energy foods, exercise, and enjoy plenty of sun and nature. The best relationships come to fruition when you know your identity goes beyond things like a job title or a beauty standard. It tells the world that you’re the kind who looks for meaning in everyone and everything, whether by yourself or with others. Meaning is where the worth is.

Isn’t it ironic that we live in an increasingly connected world with all this technology, but are feeling lonelier than ever? And with the arrival of artificial intelligence, we’re stripping away the basics of who is saying what, let alone working out what they truly mean. Swiping like we do on dating apps has become the norm of how we are treated, even in the offline world. Loneliness is on course to win at this rate.

Now more than ever, is the time to dive deeper into our visceral need to connect. There’s a reason our evolutionary ancestors wired this into our brains and it will once again keep us alive for centuries ahead. 

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. Admit It

The hardest step is admitting that we are lonely. Acknowledging that we want authentic connections, beyond the number of likes and friend requests on social media, is the stigma to break in our age of loneliness.

02. ‘Alone’ is Not ‘Lonely’

There are many people who are single, living by themselves and who are very well-adjusted to life because of loving who they are. When you have purpose, loneliness cannot find a way to define you.

03. Look for Meaning

You can be lonely in a room full of people. To beat this epidemic, look for meaning in every interaction. Build quality relationships that have your back and offer the same. You can’t be rejected for the value you bring. 

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.

The following article is copyrighted. To reproduce any or all parts of the content, write to hello@listentruly.com

Silence is golden and it shines through when you are ready for heightened awareness. Silence in its very nature is the healing ground that is accessible to anyone. If we get to know what it is and how it serves us, we would use it more often and discover who we really are.

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Silence is golden. You’ve probably heard the saying before and may have read it hanging on the wall of your local library. But it’s hard to find a moment of silence in today’s world. In fact, most people are unfamiliar with the thought of it. The lack of noise is desperately taken as a cue to begin feeling restless, awkward, uncomfortable, bored, anxious or depressed. Silence often means there’s ‘nothing going on’ and most people avoid it. In an elevator you’ll find them either looking up at the lights flickering through each floor or down at their phones. Filling silence is what we do to get by each day. Why is the deafness in silence so intimidating? One of the most frequent questions I get asked about the way I practice listening is “So what happens when I have nothing to say and there’s this awkward silence?” You’d think the answer is pretty straightforward. People expect me to say that I try to fill this awkward silence so that my client could get back to being comfortable again. The real answer is, I encourage my clients to face this silence and embrace it with the depths of their being. Spiritual masters have taught the benefits of silence and stillness for hundreds of years in every tradition. They offer prayers, meditation and healing using silence as the preferred medium of transmission to the divine. I personally find silence to be cleansing and I often use it as a reset button. It is the precise nature of silence that makes it a firm healing ground. Here are some of my personal reflections on the way I perceive silence. I believe these traits of silence make it a natural tool that’s freely accessible at will when you need relief. Being aware of these characteristics right now will help you connect with silence when you choose to channel it.

Silence Underlies Everything

The first feature that comes to mind when I think of silence is the most fundamental. We think of silence as a pause before hitting the play button again. But I look at silence as the true nature of what underlies everything we say, do or feel. It is silence that allows words, music and noise to pop out and be heard the way they were intended. Without silence there is no music and without stillness there is no movement. And if there were, we wouldn’t perceive it so. Knowing that silence underlies everything not only builds an everyday appreciation for sound. It provides self-awareness that silence exists, persists and is eternally available to return to. When there’s nothing or nobody around and you need to reach out, make silence your best friend and go inward. It offers a limitless amount of space, time and depth that can be utilized to reclaim your power.

It’s Thoughtless and Formless

Spiritualists want to be in company of ultimate reality. If you can imagine a thoughtless, formless, empty, eternal space (or non-space), then you have touched the tip of what silence paves the way to. Silence is the armor the mind can wear in the battle against millions of thoughts that pass through and affect our psyche. Stillness is the medium spiritualists use to cultivate a thoughtless mind. For ordinary folk, actively seeking silence enables us to be thoughtless and experience no limits for a few seconds. Formlessness is the true self and embodies the truth that we are not separate from each other. Silence gives us that inkling.

Free from Stimuli and Response

Yes, silence seems to be so very boring. But a restless mind is always looking for what’s next and needs to be artificially stimulated. The body needs movement, air and sensation. The brain needs coffee, pills and food. The mind needs thoughts, beliefs and ideas. Its no secret that these stimuli provide enjoyment and fixes to keep you busy, productive and satiated. Their job is to keep you away from silence, stillness and solitude. I’ve come to realize that silence is free from any stimuli and response. It just is. It requires no stimulus to stay in motion and neither does it respond to noise. This is the definition of ‘dead’ but it is also the definition of higher consciousness. This awareness keeps knee-jerk reactions at bay.

Eternally Permanent

When I observe silence, I revere its eternally permanent nature. It endures during life, death and everything in between. Embracing the silence in each moment brings in the realization of the temporary nature of material things, physical life, challenges and achievements. Nothing stays stable for very long. A winning streak does not stay forever and neither does a losing one. Each phase begins only to end and new cycles constantly emerge, be it in sport, business, the stock market or anything that takes form. The universe lived before we took form and our planet will stand strong long after we’re gone. Silence is what is permanent and is the gateway to experiencing never-ending consciousness in the moments we choose. The next time you face a disappointment, a loss, an angry incident choose silence. Then allow it to help you truly know the impermanence of your situation.

Gateway to Your Identity

For most urban dwellers identity is a matter of where you were born, what you do for a living, what your passions are, who you’re married to, what you own, or some such notion supplied by the outer world. If you want to know who you truly are, then going inner is paramount whenever you’re ready. This is a tricky concept because I’m speaking of self-awareness beyond the outer layers. You can be aware of yourself on many levels including the physical, mental, personality, habitual, preferences, etc. But the real game starts when you become aware of the fact that you are awareness itself. We are the only species proven capable of thinking about our thoughts and knowing what awareness is. Unfortunately this capability is not acted upon as much and not encouraged as part of our worldly education. To get in touch with your real self, practicing silence is essential. The stillness gives rise to the idea that you are a spiritual being undergoing a human experience.

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. Age Old Knowledge

Spiritual masters have taught silence and stillness for hundreds of years in every tradition as the preferred medium of transmission to the divine.

02. Natural Armor

Silence is the armor the mind can wear against millions of thoughts that pass through. Silence brings in the realization of the temporary nature of all things.

03. Aware of Awareness

Silence works when you become aware of the fact that you are awareness itself. Stillness let’s you know that you are a spiritual being having a human experience.

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.

The following article is copyrighted. To reproduce any or all parts of the content, write to hello@listentruly.com

Stress is a part of life. This edict is too readily accepted. In this article, I cover the most stress-inducing issues that cut across culture, background, nationality and race. These come up time and again in my Listening sessions with clients and I think it is high time that a new response to stress is forged that does not rely on panic or anxiety.

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In my experience as a Listener I have heard life stories, events, situations, problems, celebrations, regrets, dreams, hopes, fears, you name it. After listening to hundreds since the start of my practice, I have come to learn a lot about what makes everyday people tick. I wanted to write home about it because most people think they’re the only ones facing these all too common stress inducers. Stress comes in all forms. Surprisingly, a lot of folk think that stress is actually good for you. Let me be uber clear on this. Stress isn’t a good thing. Stress is still the number one cause of most illnesses, mental health problems, heart disease and the ability to recover fully from any kind of physical or emotional trauma. If it isn’t good for you, then why does it exist? Let me explain this a little through the lens of human evolution. Back in prehistoric times, we weren’t that different from the animal world. The beasts of our planet use a flight or fright response when confronted by predators who want to have them for lunch. While this response mechanism came about to give our animals the best chance to survive in the wild, its remnants are still present in human beings. Panic, anxiety, depression and fear are all humanly manifested forms of prehistoric stressors. My question is – do we still need to panic and drum up anxiety in order to survive, thrive and live a full life? Physically we’ve moved on, evolutionarily speaking. But stress hasn’t left us even though we’ve become conscious of our free will. Most people have not awoken to the idea that they have choice in every matter, including how they respond to stressors. Most people still give away their power in favor of base reactions ingrained in us from eons ago. Here are some of the top stressors that are most commonly expressed by my clients no matter what their age group, background, culture or values.

Doing What You Don’t Want To

Many of my clients feel stress about dreaded tasks and to-do lists. They are either not great at it or feel frustrated at the amount of time they have to spend. Administrative tasks and paperwork are one of the most common elements that come up in Listening sessions. “There is so much to do and not enough time or resources to complete them, plus I hate doing this day in and day out” is what I hear often. Having to do what is unwanted can accumulate into life-long stress if it isn’t eventually managed or outsourced. Every person has a fair amount of stuff they don’t like doing but have to.

But if the stuff remains the same, it translates into not having grown or developed and that’s a sign of stagnation. The daily bread is often the daily dread.

Death or Divorce

Major life events that people all over the world go through everyday cause significant stress. Many people reach out to me simply to process the loss of a loved one. I’m not only talking about physical death. Death is also felt in the form of broken relationships where dreams are shattered and the loss of someone who was always around is experienced. The intense feeling of missing a dear one terribly is what many clients come to me to help them through. Now here’s an interesting observation I’ve made – a separation or divorce is sometimes more traumatic long-term than the natural physical death of someone. I believe it has to do with the ultimate finality of human life that allows people to recover after grieving. With a divorce or separation, clients find it hard to attribute causes related to their own responsibility when their relationships break down. Unless a loved one’s death was mysterious, traumatic, painful or shockingly unexpected, divorces seem to be harder to work through.

Too Much Clutter

I’m always surprised by how much people complain about the disorganized mess in their physical space. No matter how many times I tell myself this is a one off or side issue, it seems to come up time and again from clients all over the world. It’s definitely a glaring reflection of inner lives for sure. Hoarding is pretty common, especially for sentimental items. The sheer physical mess does weigh heavy on people though. In the middle of listening sessions, usually after a period of silence, I will hear “Gosh there’s so much stuff in my attic / on my desk / my house / my handbag”. Nevertheless, I’ve come to see that a lot of momentary stress has been relieved when clients resolve to do a thorough cleanup. First of all, the cleanup process is ‘analogue’, i.e. getting away from digital life. Secondly they experience a sense of renewed motivation, and finally they’re able to sleep much better when things of old exit their space. When I ask what it is that would make clients feel better at this moment, the most frequent response is “Cleaning up my [fill in the blank]”.

Lack of Energy

The amount of energy you have throughout the day impacts how you feel about life. Many clients tell me that they are not happy about their energy levels. They can’t seem to generate the willpower or strength to do all they want in the day. Related to the first point, having to do what you don’t like can actually deplete your energy and hence reduces your willingness to put in a 100% to the things you love doing. A wise person once said that you have to complete what you don’t like first, then continue on to things you love. I wonder if its not the opposite. Anyway, many clients talk to me about not having the energy they require because of lack of exercise, bad eating habits or work that requires them to sit at a desk all day. I hear a lot about debilitating lower back issues preventing the enjoyment of physical activity. People express to me how they wish they could get outside in nature a lot more but their low stamina stops them from exploring to the heart’s content.

Complying with Standards

Finally, the obligation to comply with standards set by society, religion, political parties, friends, family, industry and one’s own self causes huge stress for everyday people. This stressor definitely cuts across classes, social status, income levels, nationalities, cultures and any kind of dividing human factor. Every culture and society has standards of work, beauty, social standing, etc. The majority of people are stressed trying to comply with these for reasons of being accepted, praised and even getting paid is dependent upon this compliance. It takes time and awareness to realize that each person can create their own standards, which leads to innovation and new leadership. When people comply, they do it for safety but also for following the crowd. We make up standards and we will make new ones. The question becomes who is going to break the mould first and choose to forge new standards that nobody else is obliged to follow.

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. Stress Ain’t Good

Surprisingly, a lot of folk think that stress is actually good for you. Let me be uber clear on this. Stress isn’t a good thing. It is still considered a major cause of most illnesses.

02. Evolutionary

Panic, anxiety, depression and fear are all humanly manifested forms of prehistoric stressors. Fright or flight responses by animals still remain in human beings.

03. Standards

We make up standards. The question becomes who is going to break the mould first and choose to forge new standards that nobody else is obliged to follow.

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.

The following article is copyrighted. To reproduce any or all parts of the content, write to hello@listentruly.com

Listening can be as therapeutic, if not more, than conventional therapies. Research studies have validated the positive effects of reflective listening, client-centered therapy and motivational interviewing. I discuss some of these researched effects which my own clients experience. Here, the client has control of their healing, directs their own space and time, and accepts their sense of self out of their own volition.

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The noble act of listening is significantly underrated in our mainstream media. Speakers are more valued than listeners anywhere you go. We look at famous celebrities, industry experts and authorities by virtue of what they say, period. We put them up on a pedestal quoting their wisdom from sound bites, excerpts from books, public relations statements and interviews for the world to consume. We derive comfort, inspiration and escapism from the people we admire. We may want to be like them, get a bit of their luck, charm, money and beauty. And so we listen to what they say. But I’m here to say that you probably are the bigger hero in all of this. And what I wish is that you would use your tendency to listen more to the people you deal with everyday. You could change someone’s life and receive long-term satisfaction in return. Whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, crazy or not-so crazy, most people at this moment need someone to listen to them. Not only to share known causes of daily stress, listening authentically creates therapeutic effects admittedly verified by research studies. Research into listening is regularly published in scientific journals. The phenomenon has been labeled “motivational interviewing”, “reflective listening”, “client-centered” or “non-directive therapy” based on humanistic psychology principles of Carl Rogers (1951). The core idea is that therapists need to accept their client’s situation with empathy. There are some key differences in these therapies and my practice as a Listener. For example, I refrain from summarizing the client’s point and neither do I ask questions of them. But similarities are well noted and have been proven in their therapeutic value.

The following effects are commonly demonstrated in my own practice and those verified by research.

Openness and Trust

Prior to an official session, I orient my clients about what is expected. Most therapists do not conduct such communication. Clients instead are put through laborious psychometric testing backed by the assumption that something wrong needs to be found out. As a professional Listener who strives to practice authentically, I find that all of my clients let their guard down after an orientation session. The main message of this session is to let the client know that I am not looking to identify their “problem”. What they are going through is normal in their humanity. When this message is communicated effectively, my clients already feel a sense of openness and trust. This makes it less resistant for them to share their most intimate emotions. It also offers realistic expectations from our association with no anticipation of a magic pill.

Control of Direction

The client is in total control with an authentic listener at the other end. Now is a good time to reiterate over and over how this is central to the listening process. Unlike other practices, the way I execute in a session is to allow the client to direct the time they have with me. This means I do not probe, do not ask questions, do not direct the client to speak about one topic only and do not interrupt what is being said. The only way I would do any of the aforementioned is if I was asked to do so (sometimes this does happen when new clients are adapting to this sense of having control of their time). How is this control therapeutic? It provides raw freedom. And with that comes motivation to make an effort to face their sense of self and take control of it. Once a client feels totally in control, direct each session as they like and talk without the pressure to stay ‘on topic’, it paves the way for clarity.

Hope for Change

With authentic listening, the biggest therapeutic effect is for clients to feel hope all by themselves. Hope for something new, hope for the future, hope for what they are yet to achieve or manifest. At the end of every session, most of my clients naturally guide themselves back to positivity. Nobody wants to end sessions on a sour note. That is how powerful it is for clients to be conscious of time and direct each session. The rate of wanting to change, hope, strive for better is off the charts. When clients believe they have been heard and told that what they are is totally normal and human then they begin to want to do better. They want to change and continue to tell their story out loud, unraveling their progress be it a step or a whole new shift. Clients explore their internal ambivalence and have a high chance of resolving it when a Listener harbors unprecedented hope for their future.

Normalcy

The most cited therapeutic effect expressed by my own clients is simply the experience of normalcy. In other words, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with them. This is ingrained into their minds at the outset. When someone chooses to work with me, I make this crystal clear – what he or she is going through is absolutely normal and part of being human. The fact is that they are not alone in their situation because the world is filled with people who know exactly what they’re feeling. They aren’t the first person going through this and they won’t be the last. They may have come to my listening service on the back of being called ‘abnormal’, ‘different’, ‘pathological’, ‘disturbed’, ‘damaged’ or ‘psychotic’. So the best therapeutic effect has been bringing three important things into awareness – he/she won’t be labeled throughout this process, he/she is unique as a person, and he/she also has a unifying solidarity with people around the world going through similar circumstances. This sense of being normal in their situation is meaningfully therapeutic.

Self-Understanding

Authentic listening allows a client to understand himself or herself at a deeper level. This occurs as a result of vocalizing thoughts out loud, enabling them to speak to themselves as if they’re in front of a mirror. When I create a space for a client to organize his/her thoughts out in the open it usually results in self-acceptance out of their own volition. With greater self-understanding, the therapeutic effect is to make peace and realize the reality of their situation. Even if this realization brings up feelings of sadness or a wish for it to be different, the first step in healing it is to acknowledge its existence. The understanding of oneself has unparalleled therapeutic effects as the choices, options and decisions based on this understanding become permissible and admissible. New meaning and purpose can derive from self-understanding and it is common to witness my clients create new intentions.

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. Acceptance

The core idea is that therapists need to accept their client’s situation with empathy. Most therapists look for abnormalities as soon as the client starts speaking.

02. Guard Down

What clients are going through is normal in their humanity. When this message is communicated effectively, my clients already feel a sense of letting the guard down.

03. In Control

Once a client feels totally in control, where they direct each session as they like and talk without the pressure to stay ‘on topic’, it paves the way for clarity and healing.

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.

The following article is copyrighted. To reproduce any or all parts of the content, write to hello@listentruly.com

Friends and family are the closest people in your life. In their intention to mean well, they can end up judging and undermining you. Here are the top 5 incidences clients regularly express that have left them vulnerable around those they love.

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There’s no doubt that your friends and family can be your rock. In good times and in bad, true friends and genuine family will be there no matter what. Relationships can make or break the way you face life. Even when you don’t seem to have a purpose, are lost or at a crossroads, life isn’t so bad when you have amazing people around you. Great friends make it easier to get through harrowing times. You laugh with them and share your achievements. You approach them for advice on the trivial and the significant. You are instantly comforted when they come around to help you to finish that daunting task. You are grateful that they cover for you when you just aren’t up to it. Real friends know your inner workings and support all your decisions, right? A great family can also be an amazing source of support and sometimes they are the only network you need. Whether it’s a job you’re looking for, or a blind date, family members can come to the rescue. And what about those amazing get-togethers on special occasions and holidays! There’s nothing like coming together with family and celebrating over sumptuous feasts. You get some of your habits, personality and attitude from your family as well, shaping you as a person. But of course, that’s all in an ideal world. For many others, friends and family have caused the most brutal betrayal, pain and hurt. Most of my first clients sought me out after being hurt by someone they knew, loved and trusted. This has been one of the major motivations in scaling my professional listening practice globally. Speaking to a stranger after a loved one hurt them proved hugely cathartic for many of my clients. A stranger doesn’t know your past and has no connection to your friends or family and this made the experience a cleansing one. I wrote all about this in one of my earlier blog posts: Why Strangers Make Better Listeners. Apart from extreme cases of betrayal and pain, people tell me what they feel by those they love on a daily basis too. Much vulnerability is experienced by subtle and covert behavior that leads one to feel undervalued by those they are most close to. And they do it all unknowingly, without intending to and with no realizations after the fact. Many of my current clients have expressed their mild frustration at the subtle ways they are judged everyday by family and friends.

Here are 5 common incidences related to me by clients over the past year where friends and family leave them feeling judged without knowing it.

Appearance

So many of us garner self-confidence and social recognition from the effort we take to dress and look great. I hear stories on a regular basis related to this issue, and how friends will comment on that zit on their face or that top they wore that made them look heavier on an off day. “I want to be myself and be accepted just the same when I don’t look or feel my best” is a common complaint. Now you might consider the people who would comment or criticize you on any aspect of your appearance not to be a real friend. Friends do not intend to make you feel less than you are, even though I personally witness this kind of covert commenting happening all the time. It’s okay to want to dress down, or want indulge in a carb fest with tons of ice cream in front of everybody. And they ought to love you for living in and feeling the moment.

Expected Social Behavior

If you are having an awkward day or not in the mood to socialize, friends and family can get overbearing. And many a time, they will chastise you for cancelling on them at the last minute if you genuinely do not feel like going to a social engagement that was planned. The first reaction alludes to them believing that you are being deliberately selfish and uncompromising. Friends and family need to understand that as a human being, you are free to change your mind. “Unless someone is dying, I don’t get to change my mind or decline.” is what I hear all the time. Ironically, one of the most anxiety-inducing feelings is the dread of going to family gatherings especially on holidays. You are expected to attend without question, particularly in cases where your presence is required to represent your own family at these occasions. This is an all too familiar form of judgment and has left many of my clients feeling vulnerable.

Major Life Change 

If you experience a major change – such as weight gain or weight loss, or sudden shifts in your money situation, getting married or divorced, or a slight alteration in your opinion or viewpoint – it can affect how family and friends relate to you afterward. Family and friends are the first to take notice and bring up all the nuances of how your life-changing event will now alter the person you are, the new schedule you would now have to follow and drumroll… the new people who are sure to enter or exit your life. These reactions are natural. It is healthy to talk about life changes with your real friends. It is unfortunate however that many men and women feel undermined by their friends’ reactions to major shifts in circumstances. It is more common than you’d think, with reactions ranging from jealousy to despondency to downright indifference or nonchalance. The point is that friends have invested part of their life in you and when you undergo a major transformation, they may have lost some of that investment and subsequently choose to cope by unintentionally passing judgment.

Insist on Giving Advice

Close friends and family have deservedly earned a sense of entitlement on account of the relationship. So when it comes to providing their opinion, out it comes without a filter. Again this is the most natural instinct. Most friends will give you their two cents taking the liberty they’ve earned. Sometimes, the advice is unsolicited and forced upon you without you asking for it. Friends and family may believe they are entitled to tell you things that are in your best interest, but this isn’t always the case and they aren’t aware of it. “My best interest is mine alone” is what I hear clients tell me. When friends mean well by insisting on advice, clients have come to me feeling like pushovers in some instances. It gets complicated when they attempt to tell friends that they don’t necessarily need their advice at this time, which puts a strain on things for a while.

Account of Give and Take

Many friendships and relationships are built on the ideal of reciprocity. A good solid friendship is about maintaining a healthy balance between give and take. In fact, the value and quality of friendships are usually assessed by how much you’ve done for them and vice versa. Not many people realize that this equation is a form of subtle criticism, denoting the conditionality of friendship. When problems arise, the first weapon of defense is usually the “after all I did for you” card. It is a classic guilt-inducing mechanism riddled with the burden of defending yourself. What you do for your friends is definitely a way to build a friendship, but it is also used viciously when the time comes to settling a pressure point.

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. Covert

Much vulnerability is experienced by subtle and covert behavior that leads one to feel undervalued by those they are most close to.

02. Freedom

Friends and family need to understand that as a human being, you are free to change your mind if you genuinely feel off.

03. Best Interest

Friends and family may believe they are entitled to tell you things that are in your best interest, but this isn’t always the case.

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.

The following article is copyrighted. To reproduce any or all parts of the content, write to hello@listentruly.com

You do not need to be a monk or a spiritual ninja to practice true mindfulness. A Listener will help you be mindful without you having to be an expert at supreme talents like meditation, concentration, relaxation, levitation, going under hypnosis or a past life regression. Be awake and get mindful by working consistently with a professional listener.

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Mindfulness is all the rage. I’ve heard so much on how it benefits every aspect of your life, to such an extent that a new kind of stress has developed – carving out time to be mindful. Imagine that! People don’t have the time to practice the one thing that really works. Doesn’t this sound like the funniest oxymoron? One thing is ever so true about us humans. We are naturally drawn to pressure. All of us are addicted to looking for the next stress inducer just so we can wage war to get over it. Think about it. When work calls, we’re the first ones there. When our family calls, we drop everything and go attend to our spouses and kids. When our health calls, we go worrying to our doctors to take the ailment away immediately. We react to stressors with fright or flight today even though we’re not Neanderthals anymore. Why? Well, it gives our brain the temporary message that we are useful, busy and important at this time. And hence the latest craze called mindfulness. I do not mean to sound sarcastic. Taking a break every hour, absorbing what’s outside your window for a sweet second, and meditating in a quiet place are all very noble suggestions. No matter how much we know about what works, it actually comes down to doing it. So have you ever set aside those precious 60 seconds to correct the wrong way you’ve been breathing all morning? Most of us aren’t able to find that red-hot minute effortlessly because remember, we are geared to look for unwanted stress. The ego that constantly asks you to prove you are powerful demands daily pressures on your body, mind and soul. So if we can’t even get to that red-hot minute, the practice of true mindfulness sounds like blatant wishful thinking. Consciously increasing your self-awareness of the present moment with total acceptance of what you are feeling sounds like it’s only reserved for ascended masters up in the Himalayas. What hope is there for us mortals? But there is hope. There may be a faster, deeper and more self-conscious way to true mindfulness without pretending to be a monk. And it involves our intense need to be understood and validated by someone else. I’m talking about working with a professional Listener. Not a counselor, psychotherapist, life coach or any kind of guru. Someone who offers pure empathy by listening to what’s on your mind even if you are all over the place… and not be judged, diagnosed, advised or told what to feel, be or do. Ok, so how does this work, and why should it work? Here are 5 situations in which to consider a professional Listener as a mindfulness resource.

You are not successful at meditation

Do you make regular time to meditate? And if you do, are you able to really mute out your thoughts on demand? If you are like most of us mortals, you might be able to keep your thoughts at bay for a few seconds but not much more. So you might as well get your thoughts out of your system and face the fact that you are thinking them. This is the first step to self-awareness anyway. Talking to a Listener regularly gives you an opportunity to sit down and tell yourself, “Now get aware of your thoughts”. Self-awareness is what mindfulness aims for but you probably would not do this by yourself unless you are a spiritual ninja.

You think talking to yourself in front of a mirror is madness

A big part of mindfulness is to face “who you are”. Spiritualists talk about mirror work, where you look into your favorite mirror and talk to your reflection, as if you are out of your own body looking down at you. This seems a tad bit crazy, weird and downright silly. But the real reason we don’t like this idea is fear of the warped things we’ll end up saying to our reflection, like “you are no good” or “you don’t deserve that position” or “at least I’ve got nice hair if not anything else”. We do end up beating ourselves up a lot of the time. Now if you had a compassionate Listener at the other end, you can get out of your own way and you do not have to face your reflection just yet. There’s another entity you can talk aloud to whose job it is to show you a better reflection of you. It will feel easier and lighter to speak to yourself through someone else who acts like your favorite mirror.

You are not into journaling

Another method mindfulness experts suggest is to maintain a daily journal of the day’s events and document how they made you feel. I personally love the idea of journaling, but many of my clients admit they do not do well with it. They can’t really face their feelings alone without hurt, anger or depression coming to the surface. At the end of it they tell me about feeling more isolated when nobody is around to share in the emotional journey. Journaling is a way to ‘take stock’ of your day or week allowing you to process at your own pace. A real Listener will be your real live ‘stock taker’ and the value is in the sharing of experiences. A Listener laughs when you laugh, offers space when you are tired, and empowers you to process the way you want. Telling your story each week to a real person builds resilience. You will go about your day with a knowing that every event, incident, feeling, experience, joy and challenge will be offloaded onto an actual human being who wants to be in your shoes.

You don’t want just inner peace. You want validation

Inner peace is the holy grail of mindfulness. But most of us in the real world first seek validation… for what we’re thinking, how we’re going about life and how we’re feeling. Inner peace is a far more herculean task if other human beings do not validate us first. The world knows humans are social animals who yearn for acceptance. A Listener wants to connect to your situation and offer acceptance, understanding and validation. Their job is to validate whatever you are feeling, thinking and doing. Sometimes you just want a neutral person to hear you out and simply agree, with no need for persuasion. Working with a Listener who keeps your inner piece leaves you freer for that inner peace.

You have issues that are beyond therapy, coaching or medicine

Some issues are too small or too big for conventional therapy. What issues are those that take you away from enjoying each moment? I believe there are many issues apparently unsolvable where a Listener can provide invaluable support. I call them “pattern issues”, i.e. situations you’ve faced your whole life that you can’t seem to get to the root cause of. Examples include chronic health niggles, relationship patterns you didn’t ask for, tendencies that you don’t like about yourself (laziness is a big one), etc. A Listener can help make patterns part of your persona by cutting out shame, blame, anger, guilt or resentment. Most clients come to me expressly not wanting therapy or coaching. They do not want to be diagnosed as having something “wrong” and neither do they want patronizing advice on how to “get shit done”. The sole purpose of a Listener is to fully understand and accept your present state, while staying in the moment with you. When someone is handholding you in your current state, it makes it much easier for you to stay present in the now.

Summary of Article

The Big Ideas

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01. elusive

The ego that constantly asks you to prove you are powerful demands daily pressures on your mind. So the practice of true mindfulness sounds like blatant wishful thinking.

02. the way

There may be a faster, deeper way to true mindfulness without pretending to be a monk. And it involves our intense need to be understood and validated by someone else.

03. awareness

A Listener regularly gives you an opportunity to tell yourself, “Now get aware of your thoughts”. Just like mindfulness, self-awareness is what a professional listener wants for you.

Mubeena is the Founder of Listen Truly, helping adults get the clarity and relief they deserve without psychotherapy. She started working as a professional listener out of her need for spiritual growth and her desire to practice non-judgment. If you would like to learn more, sign up for a free orientation session.